Changing Your Child's Heart Part 1

Right now, I'm reading a book called "Changing Your Child's Heart" - Parenting tools to change your child's attitude, not just behavior. It's by Steve Sherbondy. I HIGHLY recommend it. We have a strong-willed child and have been finding our discipline methods aren't always working, so I decided to see what advice this book would have to offer. He starts off by talking about the most common disciplines and why he finds some work and some don't. I can't say I agree with absolutely everything he says, but he has a lot of great ideas that have proven extremely effective with the most misbehaved kids he has worked with in a public school and also his own kids.

1. Taking away privileges
-The discipline should match the wrongdoing this often has nothing to do with the offense (ex. Tommy hits his brother and you take away a toy)
-Privileges are rewards for positive behavior + giving them works better than taking them away
-Children need motivation to obey. Privileges are earned by working for them. Once they are earned, they are theirs to keep + should not be taken away.

2. Confining children to their rooms (this is one we've used frequently)
-Their rooms should feel like desirable places + should not be places to isolate them
-They should be sanctuaries, not prisons
-It has nothing to do with the problem in the first place
-Most of the time, it allows their negative feelings to fester or they just go have a pity party
-It may be damaging emotionally as they could feel rejection "I must be really bad because my own Mom + Dad don't even want me around.'

3. Time-outs (sitting on a chair)
-Can be effective for everyone to calm down, think, and act appropriately
-Can be overused
-They don't require a lot of time + energy from the adult

4. Grounding
-The biggest problem is that it lasts too long. When discipline goes on too long, it feels unfair to the children.
-Returning to a harmonious relationship is the point of discipline. You want to repair + restore a relationship as soon as you can.
-It's easy not to follow through with punishment + end it early due to good behavior or them wearing you down with grumpiness

5. Spanking
-Can lose effectiveness by being overused. When overused, children eventually learn to stiffen their bodies against the swats. What beings as stiff bodies gets internalized into stiff-necked, hard-hearted children.
-Too often, the emphasis is on the pain + not on the restoration necessary after spanking.
-In his family, after the age of 2, they only spanked for lying and stealing
-Disrespect is destructive but often rebellion can't be spanked out of a child
-When he spanked, he used a spoon so that the child would associate the pain with the spoon and not the hands
-Before spanking, he would ask them why they were getting spanked...this helps the child verbally submit one last time
-"We want to leave a lasting impression on their character but only a temporary impression on their skin"
-He made sure no other children witnessed it to avoid humiliation and he only gave 2 swats on the bum
-After, he held his child while they cried, told them they hoped they remembered how important it is to tell the truth (in this case), and immediately offered forgiveness when the child asked
-After, he celebrated the restoration of relationship with ice cream, jumping on the trampoline, etc.

Spanking

The Act: 1 or 2 spanks on the bum
The Intent: Training: To correct problem behavior
The Attitude: With love and concern
The Effects: Behavioral correction

Physical Abuse

The Act: -Beating: to strike repeatedly (also kick, punch, choke)
The Intent: -Violence: Force intended to injure or abuse
The Attitude: -With anger + malice
The Effects: -Emotional + physical injury

Tomorrow, I will tell you the disciplines + techniques he uses which are very interesting!