A while back, I mentioned that I was going through something extremely difficult and painful and that hasn't changed, but I can honestly say that life is good because God is good. It has been about 3 months now and God has been speaking to me and teaching me things that I can only learn in hard times. I have also been rereading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and taking notes on it this time and I've been very impacted by it. She says, "A good God plans everything...That which seems evil seems so because of perspective, the way the eyes see the shadows. Above the clouds, light never stops shining.” On the days where I feel discouraged, I am reminded that God is still there and He is my hope when things seem hopeless. She also wrote, “Who would ever know the greater graces of comfort and perseverance, mercy and forgiveness, patience and courage, if no shadows fell over a life?” Oh, that’s a hard one! This past summer, I had a thought that I’ve never had something really big to forgive, but that I probably would at some point. I think that was the Holy Spirit preparing me for this. I have been so challenged to forgive and it’s a daily thing. To forgive when someone knows they’ve done wrong and have hurt you deeply, but there’s no apology, no signs of repentance. How do I do that? Only by the grace and power of God. I choose to; I don’t wait until I feel like it because then I might never. God tells me to forgive as He has forgiven me and He reminded me that I am no better as I, too, am a sinner in need of forgiveness. Ann writes, “All new life labors out of the very bowels of darkness. That fullest life itself dawns from nothing but Calvary darkness and tomb-cave black into the radiance of Easter morning. Out of the darkness of the cross, the world transfigures into new life…Darkness transfigures into light, bad transfigures into good, grief transfigures into grace, empty transfigures into full. God wastes nothing - “makes everything work out according to his plan.” (Ephesians 1:11) That is what I am waiting and praying for. God gave my friend a picture that Jesus had lifted this weight off of me and was carrying it for me and that’s totally true! A friend from Capernwray sent me this poem in the mail 8 years ago and I’ve had it up on my dresser this whole time and God has spoken to me through it especially lately.
My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me,
I cannot see the colors
He worketh steadily.
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver’s skillful hand
As the treads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
Yes, God is painting a masterpiece and I don’t see right now, but I know He will use the dark times and make it beautiful. Another quote from the book: “Pain and joy are arteries of the same heart – and mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty.” I am a slow learner and at times blind, but I want to see God in the dark, in the hard, in the pain as much as I see him in the bright, happy, carefree days. To count everything as grace and like she writes in the book, “All is grace only because all can transfigure.” God just reminded me that at the beginning of the year I asked Him what His word would be for this year (last year was thanks) and this year was trust. I had no idea at that time how much I would need to trust Him for huge things, but He knew. His grace is sufficient for me every day and I want to be filled with His grace. "It is suffering that has the realest possibility to bear down and deliver grace. And grace that chooses to bear the cross of suffering overcomes that suffering." I don't know how long this situation will play out, but if you think of it, you can pray. My friend in my birthday card in October wrote, "I feel like God told me that for you this next year the answers to your prayers will be sweet," and I pray that is so!
